New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg basking in the glow of getting the Health Department to ban large size sodas in most food establishments will soon announce his latest initiative to improve life in his city. According to reliable sources, after Rosh Hashana Mayor Bloomberg will annouce that he will outlaw death in the Big Apple. Bloomberg will say that it is time we in government use our powers to end the pain of suffering of widows, widowers, children, grandchildren, friends, collegaues and neighbors. He will say that death denies New Yorkers their right to live forever, enjoy good health for eternity, and collect Social Security. By outlawing death Bloomberg will say we can end overpriced funerals and end the demand for garrish caskets in which organized crime figures are laid to rest.
Mayor Bloomberg will order all his department heads to draw up plans to accompany the influx of tens of millions of Americans who will want to live in New York now that they will no longer have to face the Grim Reaper. In addition, Bloomberg will argue that by outlawing death New York will be the safest city in the world, thereby allowing his administration to dramatically reduce the police force. Bloomberg will announce that he will live in New York forever, because his edict about outlawing death is void if any New Yorker leaves the city. He will say, “I love New Yorkers, and I want everyone to live happily until the end of time, and remember that the ban on large soda containers is just the beginning to make my people the healthiest in the universe.”