“My fellow Americans. I will make a brief announcement today about my reelection campaign to be your president for another term. Let me be clear, I know many of you are busy, especially those of you who are still looking for work. That is why I want to confess as well.
During the past few months, while the collectivists in my administration and my new neoconservative friends think that I will always be one of them, cementing the welfare-warfare state on the American people, let me be clear, I have been to the mountaintop.
During my globe trotting around the world, I have used my Kindle to read under the covers several books that have been a life changing experience. I have had to read these books late at night because my aides will not let me alone and they wanted to make sure I continue the party line of expanding the federal government’s control over the economy and bombing Middle East nations so we can continue to dominate that part of the world.
I became your president because you did not want that lunatic from Arizona to be your commander-in-chief. I promised you peace and change that we all can believe in. Instead, the political and economic elites said to me soon after I was elected, if I want to be reelected, I have to continue George Bush’s policies.
Let me be clear, that meant I would have to continue the bailout of the crony capitalists on Wall Street, begin the federal takeover of healthcare, support the Federal Reserve’s flooding the economy with money, and look for another country to invade or bomb so the military-industrial complex can continue to prosper.
Mission accomplished. However, I was wrong. Big government is the problem as Ronald Reagan so elegantly said more than three decades ago. Unfortunately, he did not shrink the federal government. He promised to abolish the Departments of Education and Energy. He did not.
I will not falter. I promise you I will abolish the Departments of Education and Energy, as well as the Departments of Agriculture, Commerce, Interior, Housing and Urban Development, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services. We will cut all the federal agencies that are not authorized by the constitution. We will adhere to the Tenth Amendment.
We will repeal the Patriot Act and bring the troops home from around the world.
We will end the federal government’s Ponzi schemes, Social Security and Medicare. We will phase out Medicaid. We will also make the dollar as good as gold; therefore, we will no longer need the Federal Reserve. Chairman Bernanke can return to academia and teach his students the virtues of sound money.
Moreover, to restore liberty to America we will abolish the income tax. In addition, to end the violence on our border with Mexico and the gang brutality in our cities, we will end the war on drugs.
I know not all Americans will support my change agenda, but that is what elections are all about. If you want to see our country race toward the cliff, a total financial meltdown, vote for my opponent Chris Christie who loves big government.
It is time the Democratic Party return to its Jeffersonian roots.
Let me be clear. I have had a life altering experience after I read The Law by Bastiat, Economics in One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt, What Has Government Done to Our Money? by Murray Rothbard, Ron Paul’s End the Fed, War is a Racket by General Smedley Butler, and so many more insightful books and monographs about the moral imperative to have limited government and how free markets create the greatest amount of prosperity for all our citizens.
With your help, we can have peace and prosperity once again. To help me implement my freedom agenda I have asked Noble Laureate in Economics Paul Krugman to oversee the dismantling of the federal government. He is one smart dude, who also has seen the light—collectivism sucks.
Thank you and good luck on your job hunting search.”
Enjoy April Fools Day.